there's paper in my vomit.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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