Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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