what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
