Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
OPIZZABONMYDICK
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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