Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
