maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
