You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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