I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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