One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
