sarcasm needs its own font
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
