Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
