I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
