I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
