my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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