did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
