im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
