The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
