Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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