Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
