After last night, I could never be a politician.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
