So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
