Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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