the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
