I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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