1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wish I only lived at night.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
