then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
