Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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