Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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