Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
