just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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