They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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