I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
