You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
