a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
