Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
