so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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