Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
