do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Also, beer. Big fan.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
