My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
