HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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