Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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