I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
