broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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