textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
