so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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