What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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