Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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