Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
