We're like a lot better than the average bears
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
and you fell through a lawn chair
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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