im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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